Furniture of the Strange

For a while now I have been perusing the Craigslist furniture section wondering exactly what is wrong with people when it comes to photographing inanimate objects for sale/purchase. Clearly, they want to the sell the items, that would be why they took the time to photograph their scary couch, right? So, then why do they insist on posting photos of the items that are best suited for outtakes from a sex tape? (see: grainy quality of photo, light coming in from only one angle, furniture positioned in strange manner). Or, perhaps they want to be invited to be on “Clean House.” Either way, half the time I end up a) feeling sorry for the furniture—ala the Velveteen Rabbit and think, “How could someone treat you like this Danish Modern Buffet clearly inherited by Jethro BoDean who thinks its okay to photograph you outside? I can treat you better!” or, b) clicking quickly past as if looking too long will cause the stains to rub off on my psyche.

The bottom line is that if I’m buying something from someone else, I do not want to think of that person’s relationship with my furniture ever again. In fact, I don’t even want to think of the present situation/relationship said couch/dresser/table might be in right now. Clean slate purchasing is how I like to think of it. So, less is more. Get a close-up of the item and move on. I have carefully compiled some items to provide visual reinforcement to my argument.

Exhibit A: Vintage Wardrobe

Let's start with the A+ student to give you an idea of what normal looks like. The Jackie O of How To Post Furniture on Craigslist. A close-up, a clean item with nothing of the owner lingering around and a clearly taken photo.

Exhibit B: Couch 60 Bucks

Illustrates the slippery slope. While it tries with throw pillows to make it seem inviting, (difficult to do for a prop from "Coalminers Daughter: The Flush Years") if you look closely in the bottom left hand corner you will see a bag of charcoal and assorted other clutter.

Exhibit C: Three Chairs Plus One

A prime example of what NOT to show in the picture (unless the “plus one” is the big hairy cat slinking around the legs). TCPO also illustrates classic faux pas for show: a garbage bag, an animal cage and questionable stains on the linoleum floor.

Exhibit D: Red leather office/computer chair

There is something sinister about the position of the chair and the shadow it casts. And, it is not red as advertised. As if it has perhaps killed its competition? Almost reminiscent of a Hithchcock film. I am torn on this one as the chair could either be wonderfully modern or perhaps was a witness to a murder.

Exhibit E: REDUCED!! BEAUTIFUL FAUX LEATHER OFFICE SET

Again, were these chairs accomplices in a murder? Why the tarp? Why outside? Why do they seem to be conspiring?

Exhibit F: Workbench - great for garage or basement

Okay, so, my nightmares tell me this “workbench” might perhaps be the only piece of furniture in say, the basement of a serial killer.

Seriously, Craigslist sellers, get with the program. Would you go to get your photograph with food in your teeth and wearing your pajamas? Would you go to a job interview in a stained blouse? Perhaps you would, but that does not mean I want to be around you.