Furniture of the Strange

For a while now I have been perusing the Craigslist furniture section wondering exactly what is wrong with people when it comes to photographing inanimate objects for sale/purchase. Clearly, they want to the sell the items, that would be why they took the time to photograph their scary couch, right? So, then why do they insist on posting photos of the items that are best suited for outtakes from a sex tape? (see: grainy quality of photo, light coming in from only one angle, furniture positioned in strange manner). Or, perhaps they want to be invited to be on “Clean House.” Either way, half the time I end up a) feeling sorry for the furniture—ala the Velveteen Rabbit and think, “How could someone treat you like this Danish Modern Buffet clearly inherited by Jethro BoDean who thinks its okay to photograph you outside? I can treat you better!” or, b) clicking quickly past as if looking too long will cause the stains to rub off on my psyche.

The bottom line is that if I’m buying something from someone else, I do not want to think of that person’s relationship with my furniture ever again. In fact, I don’t even want to think of the present situation/relationship said couch/dresser/table might be in right now. Clean slate purchasing is how I like to think of it. So, less is more. Get a close-up of the item and move on. I have carefully compiled some items to provide visual reinforcement to my argument.

Exhibit A: Vintage Wardrobe

Let's start with the A+ student to give you an idea of what normal looks like. The Jackie O of How To Post Furniture on Craigslist. A close-up, a clean item with nothing of the owner lingering around and a clearly taken photo.

Exhibit B: Couch 60 Bucks

Illustrates the slippery slope. While it tries with throw pillows to make it seem inviting, (difficult to do for a prop from "Coalminers Daughter: The Flush Years") if you look closely in the bottom left hand corner you will see a bag of charcoal and assorted other clutter.

Exhibit C: Three Chairs Plus One

A prime example of what NOT to show in the picture (unless the “plus one” is the big hairy cat slinking around the legs). TCPO also illustrates classic faux pas for show: a garbage bag, an animal cage and questionable stains on the linoleum floor.

Exhibit D: Red leather office/computer chair

There is something sinister about the position of the chair and the shadow it casts. And, it is not red as advertised. As if it has perhaps killed its competition? Almost reminiscent of a Hithchcock film. I am torn on this one as the chair could either be wonderfully modern or perhaps was a witness to a murder.

Exhibit E: REDUCED!! BEAUTIFUL FAUX LEATHER OFFICE SET

Again, were these chairs accomplices in a murder? Why the tarp? Why outside? Why do they seem to be conspiring?

Exhibit F: Workbench - great for garage or basement

Okay, so, my nightmares tell me this “workbench” might perhaps be the only piece of furniture in say, the basement of a serial killer.

Seriously, Craigslist sellers, get with the program. Would you go to get your photograph with food in your teeth and wearing your pajamas? Would you go to a job interview in a stained blouse? Perhaps you would, but that does not mean I want to be around you.

How to Talk to Anyone and Decorate Anything

So, a couple of weekends ago I went to a little sort of '60s modern flea market. It was very exciting for several reasons:

1. '60s modern flea market blocks from my house?

2. Cheap/affordable prices

3. Several exciting finds that did not bankrupt me.

It was about 300 degrees so I had to shop fast. The asphalt was burning through my sandals and I had a budget and no real reason to be shopping. Alas, I stumbled upon one seller who had some very crazy lounge chairs which caught my eye. As I was drawn in, I spied a pile of books in the corner. One of which, with its crazy illustrated cover could either be this:



Or, this:



It was the latter--though I wouldn't have been deterred from buying the former either. And, if you have read either, you might notice some similarities in the "How-To" style of narrative.

For those who don't store random design book knowledge in their head, Dorothy
Draper was like the Coco Chanel of decorating in the 1930s-50s. She decorated the lobby of The Carlyle hotel, airplanes, rich people's houses, you name it. And, her PR still rocks even 40 years after her death. So, when I saw the first edition copy of a pillar of the how-to design movement, I snatched it up and tried to be all nonchalant at the price, meanwhile silently doing a victory dance in my head.

The anecdotal style really draws you in. Who can resist case studies like this: "Case History of a Country Wren Who Turned Into a City Sparrow," or "Effective lamps and accessories can lift any room right out of mediocrity into something as distinguished and gay as a Paris hat." Part "Mary Poppins," part Holly Golightly I cannot say enough about the engaging writing style. Reading this nearly convinced me to make a lamp out of a "hurricane chimney," as exhibited in "One Room Apartment: Before and After."

While I have not used any of the advice gained from my quick skimming of several chapters, I can say that I feel more confident about linoleum and the use of leatherette. I don't think a book has ever come so close to being appropriately judged by its cover. Unless you consider my other recent favorite:



Seriously, it's good. It's written in a very breezy style as in the intro: "A few years ago, I found myself at lunch with Aristotle Onassis. . ." However, it offers many helpful tips for conversation such as "Don't confuse being stimulating with being blunt," and covers the gamut from "How to Talk to Tycoons," to "How to Talk to the Handicapped." An interesting narrative arc. But, seriously, this woman has some great advice even if it is a bit dated. Now, next time I'm having lunch with say, Warren Buffet, I will know exactly how to get him to open up.

Something Old, Something New. .

So, we saw Funny People. It was good. Good in both a funny and serious way. I'm sure there were many disappointed teenage/college boys in the audience expecting Superbad II and well, not getting it at all. It was sad and funny and seriously made me feel old in the "Oh my god, I can't believe I am right in between the old and young characters in the movie." Like, old enough to have coveted light Levis and the styles of Melrose Place, but young enough to recognize Jason Schwartzman and laugh at Jonah Hill.

What's really weird, as I pointed out to DG is that I feel like Judd Apatow had to wait for a whole younger generation to grow up before his humor was appreciated. I think that's really interesting. Even more intersting that Leslie Mann was not properly discovered until her husband started casting her in movies. Truthfully, it all gives me hope that there really isn't any golden age for success. See: Tina Fey, Steve Carrell, Jon Stewart. Granted, they all schlepped through about twenty years of showbiz no-biz, but still, a girl has got to dream.

But I digress. So, in other age-related news, I went to the eye doctor for the first time since 1998 and, as I suspected when I could no longer read the Comcast Guide or street signs, or recognize people as friend or foe if they were more than twenty feet away from me--I need glasses. Seriously. As in, when the friendly opto-doctor asked me to read the first line of text with one eye it was all a blur. And, of course my over-achieving self tried really hard to cheat and not admit that I couldn't read a damn letter. Frustrating. Like, math class frustrating.
So, look out world, I'm getting some frames! I tried on DG's glasses and he said I looked like Janeane Garofalo, which I can live with, I suppose. Better than looking like Lisa Loeb (I blame Funny People for the rash of '90s references in this post). He also suggested I consider a monocle, so don't know if he can be trusted.

Note to readers: Never, ever, ever, Google: Women Wearing Glasses. Trust me.



If you can't stand
Adam Sandler, go see this movie.

Books, Summer Ennui, Etc.

I'm just going to go freeform here, so bear with me. I've recently experienced a good patch in reading and, partially for my sake, partially for others, I've decided to catalog my recent reading experiences:

1. The Wind-Up Bird Chronicles: Imagine if David Lynch got really drunk one night with Milan Kundera and their conversation verged into WWII and isolation in modern Japan. This is the book Milan Kundera would write after waking up with a headache. Spiritual, subconsciously terrifying and historically devastating.

2. Last Night at the Lobster: First person fictional account of the closing of one Red Lobster. If Tolstoy visited a mall, this is the book he would write. Slim, hilarious, sad and a great portrait of all the places we find ourselves that we would rather forget even while being there. (Bonus: you learn how they make those fantastic cheddar biscuits).

3. Killshot: Imagine if you could have read "Fargo" rather than watching it. Fast, funny and makes me weep for not having the dead-on dialogue of Mr. Leonard.

4. Charming Billy: American Irish saga, Long Island. Dreamy narrative, lots of characters, sort of sad but not too deep. Lost interest in the last fifty pages.

5. The Road: Not sure yet. Only 10 pages in.

So, that's where I've been lately. DG was very thoughtful and,. this year for my birthday got me a "Culture Log" so I could keep track of restaurants, events, media stuff all in one place. Stupid me didn't understand that you are supposed to put in books/music/movies you want to read, hear, see and I filled in the first page with books/movies/music I want to recommend to others. How backwards is that?

I'm excited for "Funny People," it looks just dark enough to be interesting.